Sunday, April 8, 2012

A mother's prayer for her daughter [Tina Fey style]

First off, why oh why do parents find the need to torture their children with pictures with the Easter Bunny?  They rarely seem to turn out well.  Isn't St. Nick once a year enough?

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
 
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.
 
When the Crystal Meth is offered,
May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half
And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her
 
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,”  and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
 
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.
Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes
And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
 
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,
For Childhood is short — a Tiger Flower blooming
Magenta for one day –
And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.
 
O Lord, break the Internet forever,
That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers
And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
 
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,
For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
 
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,
That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.
And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.
But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
 
Amen.

Expectant-mom and “30 Rock” star Tina Fey wrote this hilarious and touching prayer for her 5-year-old daugher Alice in her memior Bossypants which you should definitely, probably, maybe check out. Hilarious!

**Those in bold hit all too close to home for me.

Happy Easter to you and yours!

9 comments:

Amanda C. said...

Awesome. I can just imagine her saying all these things.

Sophie @TheForgeStyle said...

it's always good to read this again and again :)
love the bitch in front of hollister part ;) lol

andrea said...

this was great :) thanks for sharing!

Witha said...

This great post make me smile :D
Happy Easter to you!

Sadie Dear said...

I read this before and died laughing! I should write a similar letter for my son, I imagine. So true!

Kassi @ Truly Lovely said...

:) I love that!!! Go mommas everywhere!!!

Rachel said...

Everytime I read it, I laugh a little more!

Jessica @ Lovely Little Things said...

This is hilarious!
Tina Fey never ceases to crack me up :)

Hope you survived Monday, girl!
xo

Laura {a spoonful of joy} said...

this is so beautiful and so true!

stopping by from miscellany monday.

have a great day! :)