the perfect flaw.

Transparency Tuesday
I feel as if I have fallen into the trap of not being open, honest, or genuine.  So here it is, the real me.  Sure, this leaves me vulnerable to judgments and criticism and lord knows I’m not the best with words, but I feel this will be healing for me.  Feel free to ask me anything, be it advice, or otherwise.  I will be sure to give you my best and hold nothing back. Whelp, here goes nothing.

It seems a paradox that a perfectionist would procrastinate. All the same, many nights I am left staring at a blank computer screen for hours, trying to decide where to begin. I often put off turning in papers, checking them over and over, to be sure they are just right. I tend to procrastinate; afraid I may not meet the high standards I set for myself.

This isn’t something new; I began life as a perfectionist. Even as a child, I was passionate about life and the successes I could make for myself. Since kindergarten, each report card I brought home would begin, “Shane is a very conscientious student,” a teacher politely telling my parents something they already knew, that their daughter feared failure. I have come to realize through the years that more than just working toward success, perfection is a search for the unattainable.

As the first singles player for my high school’s tennis team, I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. It became more of a mental than a physical game for me. I would play really hard at practice with no fear of losing to worry about, but come match time, my aggression would retreat inside of me. I could be ahead ten games of my opponent, but the pressure of knowing my team was counting on me for a victory would make me timid, fearing any show of aggression would lead to an “out” ball. I would perform on the defensive, feeling myself tense up at each swing of the racket. My coaches would tell me time and time again how I needed to loosen up and quit “playing it safe” all of the time. My fear of not reaching expectations and disappointing my coaches or letting down my team was always in the back of my mind. I found it near impossible to perform in the present, as frustration would overcome me. I was so focused on positive results and achieving that I had trouble forgetting past mistakes. Perfectionism affected my mindset in competition.

College, thus far, has changed me. The sudden transition to independence has brought me out of the rigid routine I used to follow and has taught me to be more flexible to change. I have stepped out of my comfort zone numerous times in the past two years, opening myself to new possibilities that I would have never considered previously. I have not only grown as an intellect, but as an individual, in my strengths and weaknesses, and that which shape my values and beliefs. I learned by experience that parents are not flawless, that the teacher doesn't have all the answers, and a friend will be hurt if I give them the straightforward truth. As my whole view of the world expands, I shed my childhood innocence and gently enter into the maturity of the grey area.

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. The desire to be perfect can both strip you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as those with more realistic strivings. Looking forward to the future, I have decided not to look upon failure as a frozen outcome, but rather a chance to learn something new. My life hasn’t been defined by distinct, earth-shattering moments of revelation, but rather a gradual accumulation of understanding. It has taken me twenty long years to learn that love isn’t contingent upon accomplishment. I can lead a much more satisfying life if I let go of my inhibitions. I realize now that perfection is merely a matter of fantasy, not reality. I believe happiness comes from a better understanding of ourselves. Striving for perfection is the journey, not the destination in this earthly existence.