Things I'm Afraid to Tell You...

 As part 2 of my Transparency Series, where I openly and honestly share the real me.

There is only one person in this world I feel I can trust with my life.  My mother has been there for me through thick and thin.  I know she would never in a million years let me down.  It can be very difficult to break down my walls, and truly get close to me.  I know this stems from being let down by every significant  male figure in my life.    I very rarely feel "beautiful."  And because of this, it's very hard for me to accept compliments.  I would almost rather people be critical of me.   I wish I had more to offer this world.  More time, more motivation, more influence.   I'm not sure I know what true love is supposed to feel like.  Okay, I'm only twenty, so I suppose I've got many more years ahead of me to discover this.  It's weird, although I've been in 3 long term relationships where the word "love" was tossed around, I'm not sure it was actually genuine.  I feel like when it is for real, I will just know.   I don't always practice what I preach.  I get on others for being a "product of their environment," but have come to realize that this is true for myself at times as well.  Even when I try to pretend it's not, and I'm some saint-like being, we're all human.   I despise change.  Always have, always will.  Surely part of my Type A personality.  Take me out of my routine, I get anxious and moody.   I don't want my real father to be the one to walk me down the aisle.  He hasn't been there for me.  My step-father will be the one to do the honors.   I'm not afraid of dying.  Really.  If it's meant to be.   I care way too much about how others percieve me. It's a fault. I'm the kind of person that wants everyone to like me.  I will try to right things with anyone who I've wronged as soon as possible.    I cannot stand being alone.  Okay so this is only partially true.  Every once in a while I enjoy staying in and cuddling up with a book on my own, but too long alone and I go stir crazy.  (Living on my own this summer is already killing me and it's only day 2!)   I wish I had more faith in my little brother's desire to get better.  I love him more than anything, but don't trust that he has the gumption to do anything about his predicament.  He's content with where he is in life, so why change?   I can't stand intolerant people.  Racist people in particular are a major turn-off to me.   I could never date a smoker. Or someone who is always late.  I cannot stand the smell of smoke.   And my OCD tendencies kick in whne it comes to being on time.  That would get on my last nerve.   I want to stay young forever.    Check out where this series began here & here. I strongly encourage you to go write your own now!