Transparency Tuesday
Dad, now it’s your turn to listen to me. Don’t respond. Just listen.
Dad, now it’s your turn to listen to me. Don’t respond. Just listen.
I cannot look you in the eyes anymore. We cannot talk like we used to. I force the smile you see. While hiding the pain I feel.
I don’t trust you anymore. All because you lost your self control. All because you don’t know when to quit. Because you can’t say no.
I’ve told you before how I feel. Wept time and time again. But you don’t care enough to stop. Not enough to get help. Now you’re losing me. I’m turning my back on you.
I miss the man you used to be. Once said you’d never change for a woman. Look at you now. Blinded by love.
You built a strong foundation then took it all away. Never there for me fifteen and on. He’s a big boy mama says. One day he’ll see the light.
A little girl needs her daddy. To love her with manly charm. To soothe her when she’s hurt. And keep her safe from harm.
You used to be my hero. Knight in shining armor. Spin me round and round in circles. Like the good old days. I will always be your little girl
Walk a little straighter, Daddy
You're swayin' side to side
It's not just me who's watching
You've caught everybody's eye
You're trippin' and a stumblin'
And even though I've turned eighteen
Walk a little straighter, Daddy
You're still leading me
I miss who you were. Despise who you’ve become. A stranger in your own body. A man I do not know. I don’t respect the choices you’ve made. I hope that booze is worth it.
Glad to be off at college. Away from the mess. Yet her psycho, harassing phone calls. Leave permanent scars on young flesh. You’re raising seven kids on one income
Tell me, are you happy?
Does it ever tear you up at night?
Do you ever think of me and what could have been?
Are you still proud of the woman I’ve become?
Will you be there to walk me down the aisle?
To hold your first grandchild?
Tell me, is it worth it?
Does it ever tear you up at night?
Do you ever think of me and what could have been?
Are you still proud of the woman I’ve become?
Will you be there to walk me down the aisle?
To hold your first grandchild?
Tell me, is it worth it?
Alcohol stole him from me. Right out from under my feet. Constantly walking on eggshells. Afraid one may crack.
Inside me lives A core of fear and emptiness. Desperate for love and attention. Anxious for approval. An utter suffocation. Slowly caving in.
Is it just my meticulous nature? Should I cut him some slack? Sad truth of it all. When you come crying to me after a failed marriage I can say, “I told you so”. Yet I know I will forgive you.. No matter how horribly you’ve treated me for years. Because you’re still my daddy. And nothing will change that. I won’t resent you for all you’ve wronged me
I’m too strong for that.
Fathers should have an unwritten rule. To nurture their daughters. A woman needs her daddy. Just to be aware. He’ll always be there for her. Through both the happy and the sad. A special bond none other can match. Affecting their relationships with men forever on.
Thinking about all that Dad has missed in my life over the years brings tears to my eyes. You’ve pushed me from your life. My guiding light diffused
Although I can’t make sense of this now. Maybe one day I will. After all is said and done.
If only I could just not care. If only it didn't hurt so much. If only I could say that you don’t matter. If only one time you'd listen. If only I could articulate what you've put me through.
As a father you have failed. As a father you were never there. As a father you never held me. As a father you never cared.
How do you live with yourself? You are foolish beyond measure. A family torn apart.
Oh the struggles make me stronger. The disappointments make me wise. Maybe a blessing in disguise?
This is how your daughter will remember you forever on. It's written on my heart. Not for the good but the bad. Not how I’d want to leave my legacy.
Addiction runs in families. Terrified it will become me. Determined not to be like that. No self-fulfilling prophecy. I will not let this define me. I will not become my father.
I have one last thing to say Dad. One little piece of advice. Hurry, before it’s too late. Hurry, before I’m gone. Before you’ve lost me forever.
It’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change. A sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
With Father's Day fast approaching, I'm missing him more than the usual.
42 comments:
I am so sorry, Shane. Your post touched my heart....You seem to be so strong...I know how much it hurts! I wish you all the best in the world!
Go on and love him Shane, love is strong and never loses, genuine love never fails. You can love him out of the snare. I can tell because I have seen it happen.
Following from Monday Mingle.
http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com/
Shane I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I hope everything will work out in time. For now, know that we're here for you!
While I can't relate, I know what it's like to have a less than great parent. Thank you for being brave enough to write about it.
This is beautiful Shane. You broke my heart a little and I wish so much I could just give you a huh. Lots of love darling.
I see a lot of my Dad in what you've written. I was angry and bitter about the way he'd acted towards my sister and I for a long time. A few years ago I went to live with him for a while out of necessity. I got to see his flaws and shortcoming up close from a new angle. We are a lot closer now because I realized that he can't be the Daddy I always wanted him to be, but he has become a good friend who still wants what's best for me.
It was hard to go through all that though, and I can't imagine having him there with you until you were 15, then losing him to that new life. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know how hard Father's Day can be when you feel like you've lost a dad that's still physically here.
this is your first post that i've read, and it seriously hit home with me. my dad has been through treatment multiple times, so i know exactly how you're feeling. it's amazing that you're able to talk about it so openly. i can already tell that you are such a strong, beautiful person.
hugs...
I can relate to so much of what you wrote! This is beautifully written.
Your honesty is amazing. Thank you for sharing it. Hang in there!
This hit really close to home. Thanks for sharing.
You are so brave for sharing this, Shane. Addiction to anything is so hard because it robs everyone around you, family, friends, loved ones. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And you are a young woman worthy of so much more. I hope that someday he can express that to you.
This is heartbreaking and I'm sorry for the pain his choices have caused you. Your honesty and courage is inspiring.
I've really enjoyed your site so I'm nominated you for the Illuminating Blogger Award for informative, illuminating, blog content. If you're interested, you can check out the details at my site ... http://foodstoriesblog.com/illuminating-blogger-award/ ... Hope you're having a great day!
Hi Shane, thanks so much for linking up. There is power in your sharing and honesty and it is part of your story, even though so painful. Sometimes by sharing our pain we help others realize they are not alone. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.
Beautifully written. My children have a deadbeat dad...It angers me so much to see the way he has wounded them with his lack of care. My daughter, who is 16, has begun to come to terms with what it takes to deal with him....and his lies...to love him without being victimized over and over.
Take care, and thanks for your bravery.
shane, may you be blessed for speaking so courageously and truthfully so that others know they aren't alone. sending you hugs!
I can relate with you on this more than you will probably ever know. I admire your courage to put up a letter you have written him. I too have letters and even poems I have written my real dad that I never end up sending him. Thank you for sharing this with us. I feel for you and I'm sorry you have to go through this...it's something I would never wish on someone else.
I'm so sorry. I understand- my father is not in my life because of his addiction and I just couldn't deal with it any more.
This post had me in tears friend. Having struggled with my relationship with my own father for years, I could see a lot of my dad in your letter. I will be praying for healing. Father's should always put their daughters first and nurture them into women and give them self confidence. I'm so sorry friend.
Okay, I couldn't get through your post without tears. I lost my dad at age 14 (so around the time you did) and he's been gone since then. I completely understand what you mean about needing your daddy and missing him even more around Father's Day. I hate Father's Day so much. I can never get through the day without crying. Thanks for your post. It's nice to know you're not alone <3
-Paige
http://elopingstethoscope.blogspot.com/
In my opinion it is a truly nice point of view. I usually meet people who rather say what they suppose others want to hear. Good and well written! I will come back to your site for sure!
www.scar-treatments-center.org
This article brought TEARS to my eyes. Why? For one, my father walked away from me about the age of 15.. from alcohol & a woman. I have not seen him since. Hell, he might be dead. He has no idea I made him a grandpa.. so this article, it cut like a knife to the core of my being & released so much animosity. I hate him for what he has done to me! & YOU ARE RIGHT.. Little girls NEED their daddies. {Still crying} thank you!
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that you find comfort and peace by writing your feelings.
Alcoholism sucks. So badly. It just sucks. I love alanon, it's helped me deal with my alcoholic relatives and friends. I hope you enjoy college and your amazing life because you deserve it.
Came over from Yeah Write, but this post touched my heart as someone who used to make bad choices. Now that we've adopted children, and one of those children is a gorgeous little girl, I'm reminded why I stopped making those bad choices and started living for others. Beautiful post.
Addiction is horrible, a sickness.
Thankfully, my father finally got sober 5 years before he died. It took almost that long for us to mend our relationship, but I'm so thankful we did.
I can smile when I think of him now.
I hope you can work through your anger and grief. Hugs.
Beautiful, honest, heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing your story.
Such a sad lesson for anyone to learn -- I am so sorry that your father cannot see what he has lost. Many, many hugs...
Aw, very sad... :(
Different reasons, same pain. This was a tough one for me. Beautifully written. Achingly sad.
Beautifully written and heartbreaking....
these hard places told with such beautiful words. you gave voice to your pain, and your love.
Your emotion comes through this piece perfectly. Well done, Shane. I hope you send that letter one day.
That was real and raw. I hope your father reads this one day.
You strength in the face of adversity is admirable. I give you a lot of credit for having wisdom beyond your years.
This was full of emotion. Great job! I'm so sorry for the relationship you have with your dad. You are a strong woman!
Addiction is devastating. It takes over and causes so much pain. Unnecessarily. And baffling. Brave post. Great writing.
Beautifully written, terribly sad. I hope he has the chance to read it.
a powerful and heartfelt piece of writing
I am here from Yeah Write and this just tears me up. I have a daughter and I never want her to feel like this.
I am so very sorry that you have had to go through this.
Nosy-ing around your Year in Review posts, and this one has me tore up! Not because of my father. But more so, I fear this for my daughter. I'm going to email this to my husband. Hopefully, your heartache can help in preventing it for my lil' girl. I applaud you for your bravery and transparency with this post. This is beautifully blue. Wow. My heart still aches...
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