Bachelorette UN-inspired dating tips

Emily Maynard's season did(n't) skimp on drama and surprises.

Men cried.

Emily swore. Heck, we got to see her go "backwoods West Virgina," on Kalon after stating she wanted to "rip his limbs off" when he called Ricki baggage. She threw the southern belle act right out the door.

Finally, it came down to two guys. It's a toss-up. I hate 'em both. Na, I'm just salty my boo Sean's gone.

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1.  For the best first impression…
Slap your man upon meeting him.  He’ll find it sexy.  And to keep that spark alive, continue this tradition nightly. (Oh wait, that was Brad's season)

2. Let him know your intentions immediately.
You're ready to get married. Even if you say you're not, you are. You were fantasizing about wedding bells in the womb. The need to get married is inherent in a woman's DNA, so it’s important that you tell your future husband as soon as possible that you intend to lock his s*** down as quickly as possible. The usual mind games and twisted dating "rules" like playing hard-to-get or keeping your options open are discarded. Don't even bother with hello, or telling him about what you’re like.  You'll get to the details on the honeymoon. 

3. The guy who offers you an early out is worth sticking around for.
"Listen. I've been through some stuff, and I carry a lot of baggage. So if you just want to call it quits now, I'll totally understand. I get it, really I do. I honestly will not be offended if you just walk out right now. In fact, I might even be a bit relieved. For your sake. You deserve more. I will probably hurt you." Don't let him fool you. A speech like this tells you that your guy is ready to settle down and get serious. The harder he offers you an escape, the harder you hold on.  

4. When in doubt, cry 
(Always be in doubt) A man will drop anything to help a crying woman.  So cry about everything. This one is so common sense that I shouldn't need to explain it further. Oh, and it’s perfectly okay for men to cry as well… about puppies and kittens, and well, whatever. Cue the waterworks! Oh wait, only picture perfect Emily can still look fabulous afterwards.

5. Tell him your entire dating history 
(Don’t leave a single thing out) The first date is the perfect time to bring up your past relationships. Usually during appetizers, but you can wait until the main course if the initial "getting to know you" small talk takes too long. Then it's time to jump right into the juicy stuff. How many ex-boyfriends do you have? (Between 1 and 15 is best.) How long were the relationships? (Anything shorter than two months makes you sound childish. Anything longer than a year makes you sound clingy.) Do you still talk to them? (Only when you're drunk!)  Keep your answers short, clear and defensive.

6. Take a trip.

(Make it extravagent) You can't fall in love unless you're in the right geographical location. Something about the way the tectonic plates meet up and create a special baby-making energy. I also think it has something to do with how many hot tubs are around.  That's why the women on The Bachelor are always describing everywhere they go as "the perfect place to fall in love."

 7. If all the guys in the house think you are crazy...
brotha you crazy. ahem, Kalon

8. If the guy was a jerk the first time around...

...he’s gonna be a “changed man” the second go. The last time Brad was the Bachelor he decided he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with either of the top 2 women.  So’long ladies, it’s been nice knowin ya!  I’ve got an idea, rip my heart out and stomp on it a little more… only if it will make you happy.  I mean come on, he has undergone intensive therapy, which took him on a painful journey of self-discovery that led to personal revelations about his commitment issues." Commitment issues ARE best worked out on national television, with 30 pre-selected women, after all. If all else fails, revert back to number one, and start the whole process over again.

9. Don't be overly Single
It gives off the wrong vibe. It never ceases to amaze me how every season always has a hidden boyfriend or girlfriend. Yeah, you want to avoid that. If you are going out on dates, you've got to be single, or at least honestly with all parties involved!   Along those lines, your intentions should never, ever revolve around fame, money, or other material things (KALON) This did backfire on you.

10. Get Drunk
Sipping (water) is absolutely fine on a date, but you never want to get completely drunk. That is when you can lose your composure and your inhibitions. Don't drink so much that you lose control of the situation. At best, it's embarrassing; at worst, it can even be dangerous.

11. Be Guarded
This is where Doug got himself in trouble, leading to that awkward first kiss, right before he got the boot. If you're surrounded by too many emotional walls, your date will sense that. You don't have to reveal all your deepest, darkest secrets, but you should definitely be open and willing to share some details. Show Your Personality. If you finish an evening out and the person you were with knows nothing more about you, there may not be a second one.

Obviously, The Bachelorette is not a paradigm for genuine love. Competitiveness, delusion and obsession, not sincerity, fuel the men to endlessly flex their muscles and compose cringe-worthy love songs to woo Emily.

Now who are we pulling for next Bachelor?
 #TeamSeanFoLife
So the question remains, what exactly is society's fascination with this show? Eight seasons in and there's still only been one match that led to an actual marriage.

WWEMD?