Never Too Late: An Ode to my Baby Brother.

Do you ever have those days when your body won't let you fall back asleep, no matter how tired you are?  Mind racing. That was me, 5am this morning. I'm running on 4 hours of sleep right now, so bare with me.

From shared birthdays at the skating rink, just two weeks between us.

Begging me to play just one more inning of wiffle ball in dad's backyard.

Hot tubbing in the dead of winter, catching snowflakes with our tongues.

Building snow forts, the sting of cold wind biting our pink faces.

Fist fights were frequent, until the day you realized you were bigger and stronger than me.

Those were the days.

                                                     

With natural athletic ability, baseball was your thing.

A bit of football, lacrosse, soccer, tae kwon do, and wrestling thrown in the mix for good measure.  

I always imagined you star quarterback, the stud getting all the girls.

You were the little artist, so proud of your drawings and creations.

Always the outgoing one, with never a shortage of pals.

You had so much potential, so much going for you, going right.

I miss the holidays being pleasant, not seeing mom’s tears.

I miss our Sunday Night movies, homemade dinners together, you just being there.

Hard to believe there was once a time you found your family tolerable.

I miss seeing that smile, a subtle glimpse of happiness.
Comatose, laced with traces of harsh reality.

No feelings of guilt, passion, drive. 
Devoid of emotion, you sleepwalk through life.

Mom and dad wrote it off as teenage angst,  just a stage you would surpass.

I knew better.

It's just so hard to watch the ones you love slowly slip away.
Exactly why they just blocked it out and held on to yesterday.

It’s been five years, five years you’ll never get back.

I know temptations are abound, placing you on a slippery slope to nowhere.

You live in the moment, no thought for the future.

I want you here to be Uncle to my kids, the only one they’ll ever get.

To fall in love, get that dream job making gobs of money.

Play catch with your son, with a shotgun ready for any boy that lays a finger on your little girl.

You loathe me, despise me at times, for telling mom and dad.

But I cannot lose my baby brother, that’s one thing for certain.

It is downright terrifying to be off to college yet again.

Who knows what I could come back to, or worse yet, not come back to.

I hope you know, I worry each and every day, afraid to get that devastating call.

I will always want to be there to protect you,

Yet this fight is yours and yours alone, no matter what I do.
For I cannot save you, the only one who can is you.

I know at eighteen you feel invincible, you’re not.

For tragedy strikes without discrimination.

I want more than anything for you to wake up, to see the light,

Yet I realize it’s not something you just snap out of.

You only get one life to live.

Tell me, is it worth it?

It will be a never-ending battle, that much is sure, but a battle worth fighting.

You still have time,

To become master chef, life-saving nurse, number one dad.

Don’t write yourself off just yet, for it’s never too late to be what you might’ve been.

You can turn this life around.

You’ve still got a whole lot of living left to do.